Top Ten #1

More than most things in life, I love making lists. On the radio this morning they were talking about celebrities you would *never* want to fight. That list would be pretty easy for me, and I may eventually make it, but I thought it would be funnier if I posted a different kind of list.

Top Ten Celebrities I Could Beat The Shit Out Of

#10. Jared Leto. Jared Leto, I would beat your ass with that MTV Award. You would be my bitch, as you were Edward Norton's bitch in Fight Club. "I wanted to destroy something beautiful," indeed.

#9. Big Bird. Big Bird, unless Snuffy had your back, I would destroy you. You would be slumped over in the corner as if there wasn't even a human inside your shell of a body.

#8. Adrian Grenier. Adrian Grenier, I would slap you so hard that goatee would fly right off your face. Then I would be sure to hurl you under the stampeding ladies who came running to scoop it up.

#7. Sean "Diddy" Combs. Diddy, if you laid hands on me, I would feed you that microphone. Your build is so slight, it looks like a strong gust of wind could manhandle you.

#6. Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks, your doughy physique is an embarassment to your once manly frame. How could you possibly have gained that much weight back since Castaway? Unless Hooch came to your aid, I would stomp that ass and give you a Denver Curb Job.

#5. Flavor Flav. Flavor Flav, even if you weren't almost fifty I would break your skinny ass in half. Where's the rest of you?? I could fold you more times than a dollar bill.

#4. Dakota Fanning. Dakota Fanning, do you really want to get into this with me? I would crush you with my foot then use your body to pick my teeth.

#3. The Cast of Arrested Development. Cast of Arrested Development, are you joking? I would swing Michael Cera's tiny body like it was a baseball bat, knocking down all in my path. Will Arnett is the only one of you I would need two hands to defeat, and David Cross, don't get me started on your pansy-ass. I'll play Titannica in the background as I use your carcass for a trampoline! "Pop-pop gets a treat?" Yes, my boot in your mouth!

#2. Ryan Seacrest. Ryan Seacrest, there is no way your tiny body could handle a punch from me. My fist would go through your chest, Mola Ram style. You would fear me more than Busey!

#1. Jake Gyllenhaal. Jake Gyllenhaal, I understand that you would be the toughest person on this list for me to beat the shit out off, but my rage for you is far greater than it is for all others on this list. I would wreck you, and your disfigured face would likely kill what is left of your career after Zodiac and Rendition.